Friday, December 10, 2004

Please Stare at My Booty

Tonight is our office Christmas party. In most organizations, this event would be totally voluntary. However, in mine, not showing up means you could be on the unemployment line come Monday.

Why, you ask? Because the partners that run this shop are all arrogant enough to believe that their employees actually want to spend an entire day at the office on a Friday, only to run home, put on formal digs, and go spend the rest of the evening with the same mo-fos they’ve been secretly cussing out all week. Oh yeah, I’m really looking forward to it.

The only bright spot is the free drinks. Although last year, those free drinks snuck up on me, and I was throwing up about five minutes after I got back to the crib. One of the partner’s wives actually threw up at the party. At least my mishap was on the down low.

So, I’ll be going tonight. I’ll stay until dinner is over, and then I’m out the door. At that point, I’ll have to run back to my house, change clothes again and go to a real party. Unlike the Christmas party, I am looking forward to the after event.

As ya’ll already know, I am officially single again. So, I’m on the prowl for a date or two. Especially since my last man never had a dime to take me out. So, I guess I’m looking for the opposite of him.

Probably won’t find what I’m looking for though. Depending on how tipsy I am at the Christmas party, I might not even make it to the after set.

But, if I do, I promise you all I will be the finest Miss Thang in there. I’m wearing a seriously form-fitting dress that has lots of bright colors. You’ll be able to see my sexy ass from a mile away. I’ll swing my hips in the “come-hither” way I’m known for and hope for the best.

Oh God, now I sound arrogant. But I’m really just looking forward to having a pleasant evening. I want some attention tonight. Not the ass-grabbing kind, but rather the constant neck-turning kind. I just want someone to notice…

Wish me luck.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Big Sister Wisdom

I'm goin' through it, ya'll. I'm not even going to try and lie. I know my man was just using me, but I'm having a hard time shaking feelings of guilt over putting him out on his ass. It's the nurturer in me, I guess.

So, I was talking to my sister about the whole drama. At the time, she just listened. But today, she sent along these words of wisdom...

hey you...
i have something that i need to tell you.
do you realize how wonderful you are? do you realize how much you have going for you? do you realize how absolutely beautiful you are? how smart you are? how spirtually grounded you are? how much fun you are? do you know that i could go on forever listing assets?

if you know like i know, then you should also know that you dont need to accept no shit. look back over the course of the relationship with dude...you have dealt with a LOT of BULLSHIT since the beginning...and it has not been that long. we both know that when it comes to a relationship, it will never be 50/50. its just the nature of the beast...women always give more.

more.

not all.

you deserve much better than that. you deserve a man that can meet you on your terms. and dont allow loneliness (the devil in disguise) to make you think otherwise. dont allow family or society to bait you into feeling that you need a man. you dont. think of it spiritually, do you really think that God intended for you to be miserable in a relationship? do you really think that it's about temporary satisfactions of the flesh (this man got it goin on in the bed, he can make me an occassional meal or two, he cleans the house every now and then) only to realize in hindsight that it was done not out of the kindness of his heart, but in order to get something for himself down the line? real men understand their place, and it is NOT to allow another woman to take care of them. ever. every man that you will meet just wont make the cut. not saying dont date them. not saying dont do yo' thang. but you dont have to try to MAKE him a perminant fixture in your life. your lifelong mate will choose you. not the other way around. we as women dont choose our husbands, they choose us. because when that man chooses you, that means that he is ready for the responsibility of loving you. trying it any other way is going against the divine purpose of God...and doing that is setting yourself up for failure and heartache. He never intends for us to suffer, ever!

ok...so off my soap-box i go. but remember that room i told you to go in? are you there? STAY YO' AZZ IN THERE! cause let me tell you this. as inherintly dumb as they are (men), they know how to be manipulative when they know that a woman, a good woman, genuinely cares for them. to manipulate someone that i know cares about me???what kind of person does that make me? would you do that to someone? then dont allow that fool to do it to you. what the hell do you have to feel guilty about? cause you wont let a grown, able body man live in your house, eat your food, use up your energy, steal your spirit and not contribute a damn thing? reading it like that makes you say, " what the hell??" OF COURSE YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY! last time i checked, i dont have any nieces or nephews from you. so that means, you have no children. and to me that means, you dont have to take care of anyone but your damn self. which, let me be frank and say, you are NOT doing because you were allowing that fool to bring you down. i wanted to ask you when we were in Atlanta what the hell you were doing with your money. well now i know. and if you dont want your big sistah whoopin your tail, ya betta stop taking care of grown azz men!!! :-) thats not your responsibility AT ALL. and i am willing to bet that the Big Man upstairs has my back on that statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you more than life. i need for you to go look in the mirror and realize what everyone else already knows. you are the muthafreakin shit. there aint no two ways about it.

Big Sis


I truly love my sister for those words. And the room she's asking me to stay in is the "Fuck that Man" room. I've gone inside that room now...and I'm locking the door!

Crack Kills!

I recently went out for drinks with an old flame from last year. We didn’t work out when we were dating because I was on one emotional playing field, and all he wanted to do was play the field.

But it seems his priorities have now changed, and he wanted to run an idea by me.

“I think I’m going to be single for life,” he said.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“I just have too much on my plate. I’ve got this promotional company going. I’m getting grants for my organization. I just bought a five-unit apartment building. And I’m thinking about going back to school to get my PhD.”

“Wow. That is a lot,” I said.

“But I think I’m ready to be a father, so I’m looking for a ‘baby-mama.’ Are you interested?”

Damn. How’s that for trifling? He’s too busy for a wife, but wants to have a child. Go figure?

I translate his message as follows:

I’m not interested in a wife. But I like the idea of having a child. The only problem is that I don’t really have time to raise one. So, I need a woman to raise the baby for me. I’ll come around and be a daddy when the feeling hits me. Other than that, I’ll just send cash from time to time.

My message to him…Lay off the pipe, ‘cause crack kills!

Ya'll Must Be Crazy!

I was watching the news this morning, and heard about a couple in Florida who decided to launch a strike against their children because they wouldn’t help out around the house and acted like little jerks half the time. The parents pitched tents in the front yard, leaving their 12-year-old daughter and 17-year-old son inside to fend for themselves. They only go inside the house to use the bathroom and shower.

In all my life, I’ve never heard of anything more ridiculous than this. I mean, haven’t they ever heard of a good ass whoopin’? I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay the bills in the house, provide the food, cable and other essentials/desires, only to move out and live in the yard because I can’t keep my kids under control.

What the hell is wrong with people wanting to do all this negotiation with kids today. What happened to the days when children respected elders…when parents commanded the kind of respect that makes situations like these unheard of?

I think it’s sad, because it’s clear the parents thought the whole thing was a neat idea. They created all these picket signs and made a huge spectacle of the situation. While they did manage to embarrass their kids into at least a hint of submission, they should truly be embarrassed for showing the world what pathetic parenting skills they have.

When I was growing up, I had chores to do every single day I lived with my parents. Even during my adult years when “life” forced me to hibernate in my childhood room for a while, I still had chores to do. I just don’t get those people. Why would you leave your own house to prove a point to people living there who can’t support the operation without you?

My advice to those parents…Take your asses back in the house and commence to unloading the greatest ass whoopin’ of all time. It’s a much faster solution with more permanent results.

…And leave all that textbook parenting to all the childless people who write those dumb-ass books!

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