Friday, September 10, 2004

The Surreal Life. It's An Experience

I watched the first episode of the third season of The Surreal Life last Sunday. I know I should be embarrassed for watching that janky shit, but it truly turned out to be comedy at its best (or worst, but in a funny way). When it comes to putting together the cast of a reality television show, few have been quite as disturbingly interesting as this pathetic mix of has-been’s.

First of all, the house they put the has-been’s in is just plain weird. There weren’t enough bedrooms to accommodate the three men and three women, and the rooms were occupied on a first come, first served basis. At least one of the rooms had no door, and another didn’t even have walls. It was just stuck in the middle of everything else. So already you knew the stage was set for conflict.

But forget the scenery…let’s get to the has-been’s.

You’ve got the infamous Flava Flav, who still sports the same ugly-ass gold teeth he did when Fight the Power was a hit. He also still drapes that big grandfather clock around his neck. The "yeah boyee" is still in full effect, and it seems like any second he might bust out with an old played-out family reunion-type rendition of 911 is a Joke.

Flava seems to have this “thing” for Wonder Ho…oops, I mean Brigitte Nielsen, whose drunk ass couldn’t hardly stay awake long enough to complete the one-hour segment.

And talk about a skeez! Wonder Ho…damn, I keep saying that…I mean Brigitte Nielsen…kept running around the house naked. Now, perhaps during her days of Red Sonja fame, many dudes might have found that ideal. But all the folks watching the show with me nearly lost their buffalo wings when her flat, flabby ass came jiggling across the screen like bowl of way-too-old Jell-O.

She told everybody she likes to be nude, and I can appreciate that. But what she fails to understand is that not everybody else wants such an intimate view of her maybe-I-used-to-be-sexy-back-in-the-day-but-those-days-are-long-gone body. It just ain’t cute. Not even a little bit.

This bitch was so trifling, she was cooking food for the people in the house, and all she was wearing was a thong and an apron. Now, I don’t know about the other folks in that house, but if it were me, Wonder Ho and I would have a serious problem. Nudity is all cool in the neighborhood when you know the folks around you or when you're by your damn self. But to be walking around a bunch of strange people in a thong when your ass is about 12 steps away from achieving success in a 12-step sexy program just ain’t right. Shit…what am I saying? To be walking around on national television in a thong when your ass is about 12 steps away from achieving success in a 12-step sexy program just ain’t right. Some people don’t need to be naked in public. And she’s one of them.

Wonder Ho (fuck it…the name has a ring to it obviously) and Flava Flav had a truly strange type of chemistry going on. They started off slapping each other around trying to see who had the bigger dick. But by the end of the episode, he was sincerely checking for her ass, acting all concerned when she couldn’t get up to eat because she was too drunk. Then he started talking all hopeful about the prospect of climbing her mountain ass.

“Brigitte could walk around me naked eeryday,” he gleefully announced in his famous Flava drawl.

And then I lost my buffalo wings!

Flava Flav must not have seen any groupie love in a long time…cause DAMN! Does anybody know his Mama so we can call her for some intervention? I’m concerned that if he does do Wonder Ho, he might turn to stone. Hell, who am I kidding? Flava ain’t no catch of the day or the day after that either. The two of them might actually make an interesting couple. But if the producers have any compassion, they will spare us the visuals.

Anyway, the show also features Jordan Knight, one of the New Kids on the Block. Remember them? Me either.

This Primadonna-Fool spent the entire episode putting music equipment boxes up in front of his curtain-of-a-door to keep the rest of the housemates from disturbing him. His anal-retentive nature was a perfect addition to the drama of the show, because his boxes ended up laying Wonder Ho flat on her long-back-instead-of-an-ass after she went traipsing around the house drunk. It was hilarious to see, actually. So, biggup to Jordan Knight!

Just so ya’ll know, I don’t truly have issues with Brigitte Nielsen. I barely remember her career, although I do remember harboring a few feelings of disgust for her when I watched Rocky IV and her on-screen husband beat Tha Brotha to death and left his wife a widow. But her behavior during this episode, the first of the season no doubt, was atrocious. She behaved like a low class heathen who can’t get over the fact that she’s getting older. So there! I said it. Now what?!

Anyway, one of the dudes from Full House was there. The one who played “Uncle Joey.” He was pretty uneventful, so I don’t really have much to say about him. But he did end up sharing a room with Flava Flav, so his character may get more entertaining down the road. So far, the majority of his screen time came when he had to leave his and Flava’s room because Flava was snoring too loud.

Let’s see…there was also some chick named Ryan who was a runner up on American Idol. She just seemed lost in the shuffle. Everybody else was way older than she. Plus, she truly had an I’m-more-righteous-than-you vibe about her. The previews of the next show suggest a future falling out between her and Flava Flav. So we’ll check “maybe” on this chick. I’m not sure yet whether or not I actually like her.

Wait a minute…I don’t like any of them…I’m talking about The Surreal Life.

Anyway, last but not least, was the coochie woman herself…Miss Charo. I never understood why she was popular before. All I know is that she was a regular on The Love Boat. I guess she and her agent must have been waiting a long time for an opportunity like The Surreal Life. This woman was the first one to get to the house!

So far, she just seems bossy, and I’m just waiting for her to clash with somebody. I don’t have a clue as to who it’s going to be.

The show airs on VH1. I can’t say that I’m gonna catch every episode. But if Sunday night at 10p (EST) catches me with nothing to do and no brain capacity to read a book, write a post or do something else constructive, I’ll probably check it out. I know I’ll at least laugh at the strange array of showbiz-career-rebound-hopefuls as they learn how to live with each other while trying to get as much publicity mileage out of this dumb series.

And just think…Wonder Ho might whoop somebody’s ass Red Sonja style! Maybe she’ll end up knocking out the Primadonna. Let’s keep our fingers crossed…

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Afriad of Love in Cyberland

With my severe lack of success on the dating scene lately, an empathetic coworker has been trying to convince me to take my search for The One to the World Wide Web. While I’m usually down for whatever healthy avenues I have to combat loneliness, I cringe every time he makes the suggestion. For one thing, I am truly a self-proclaimed diva. As such, I have a hard time using online tactics as if they were my last resort. And then again, I’m scared of the Internet dating scene. We all read way too much crazy shit in the media for me to feel confident that some dude in cyberspace is going to mean me any good.

Case in point was when I first started this blog. I decided to promote it in the Yahoo Member Directory by creating a public profile. I don’t think I used any personal information at all. I said that I was Black, in my 30s, and wanted to be a writer—pretty much the same as my profile on this site. I’d say within five minutes of clicking save to make this profile public, my Yahoo Instant Messenger started lighting up like the Fourth of July. The various introductions from these wannabe suitors went like this…

“Do you ever date married men?”

“Can I come see you?”

“What are you wearing?”

Needless to say, that public profile lasted about five minutes. Damn. These fools are truly foolish indeed!

But just so that nobody can accuse me of not giving it a serious try, I did a “sneak holla” on BeautifulTalker.

First, here’s the background. When I first published my blog, I got a comment from a London-based gentleman named BeautifulTalker who said, “Your verb skills are hot!” I was elated, especially since this was just the beginning. So, I sent BeautifulTalker a Yahoo Instant Message invitation so that we could chat.

We finally did several weeks later. I had already checked out his profile, and had seen the picture of him on his site. He looked intriguing to me, and he seemed nice enough. None of that “what are you wearing” shit at all. It was just strictly blogging talk. After a few lines of niceness, I threw in my “sneak-tip-holla”…it was something casual, but I called him a hottie, nonetheless.

BeautifulTalker just went on chatting like I hadn’t just given him a compliment. So after a few more lines, I said, “You just conveniently ignored my hottie comment.”

He said, “I didn’t ignore it. I just smirked and then looked over at my missus.”

Damn…BeautifulTalker has a woman, ya’ll!

So, since The Missus was around, the rest of the chatting went on as G-Rated as it was in the beginning. I told him to give a “You Go Girl” to The Missus, and we ended it there.

Oh well, I gave it a try…at least as much of a try as I’m going to give it. Besides, I have a nice new man in my world, and he is diligently restoring my faith in the opposite sex.

But, if you haven’t checked out BeautifulTalker, go and see his many sites (I think he’s got about five). He’s a cool cat, and he’s apparently good to The Missus because he wouldn’t even betray her in cyberspace with someone who lives oceans away. He gives hope to single women everywhere!

BeautifulTalker, you betta do tha damn thang, boy! Smooches!

And While I'm At It...
Shouts out to Miss Saidy!
Shouts out to Miss Ang!
Shouts out to Da Geek Thug!


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Suddenly Homeless

I found a lovely apartment a little over a year ago in a cute two-family on a quiet street. It met all of my criteria…plenty of space, hardwood floors, a screened-in porch, and a garage. I wasn’t planning on moving out of it until I left this Godforsaken town for good.

When my lease expired, my landlord asked me if I wanted to stay. Of course, I said yes, since I didn’t have my escape-from-Cincinnati plan mapped out yet. He seemed happy, and said he would get the new lease together as soon as possible.

Life progressed, and I didn’t even think about the significant time lapse that occurred since our resign-the-lease conversation. Then one Saturday about a month ago, my landlord dropped a big surprise in my lap.

“I just wanted to let you know that some people will be coming by to see the building on Monday, and I’ll need to give them access to your apartment.”

“Oh really,” I said. “Do we have some maintenance issues or something?”

“No, I’m having an appraiser come through.”

“So, you’re selling the place, then?”

“Yes, I’m going to have to sell.”

Damn! I knew this could get bad pretty quickly. With me in the month-to-month situation I had been in since the lease expired, I could have some big problems depending on who bought the place.

“Well, I’d really like to go forward with signing the lease again. If someone buys the place and wants to live in it, I could end up on the streets.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll get the lease ready.”

Or so he said. About a week later, he calls me back.

“Hey, I talked to my agent about your lease, and I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to renew it.”

“Why is that?” I asked, more than irritated at this point.

“Well, when I put the building on the market, I advertised it with one unit being on a month-to-month lease. So, I won’t be able to change that for you. I’m sorry.”

I would have described him a little more harshly than “sorry” at that point. But I had no choice but to wait and see what happened. After all, he may sell the place to someone who wants the household situation to remain the same. Optimism was my best option.

That was, until last week. I came home from work to find this note on my door…

I purchased the property located at... (ya’ll don’t need to know that part).

First let me start off by telling you that you have a beautiful apartment and have kept it in wonderful condition. But I purchased the property to live in, and need to have one of the units available by October 1.

Since your apartment is on a month-to-month lease and the downstairs apartment is still under a year lease, it may be necessary for you to vacate your apartment. As such, you should consider this your 30-day notice to vacate.

Please give me a call to discuss…


Your Newest Pain In The Ass

Does that not suck so entirely that you cannot even fathom how much it sucks?! Damn! I actually have less than 30 days at this point!

And to top it all off, three days after the new landlord left that note, she came by the building to do some measuring or whatever the hell she was up to. I passed her on my way out for the day, and she decided to make small talk.

“It’s a beautiful day out, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” I said with body language that suggested I was in a hurry.

“What do you think the place needs to make it more beautiful?”

Now, at this point, I realized the bitch had to be super crazy. Who in their right mind would leave a note on somebody’s door saying that their place was lovely and had been kept in such great condition, but they needed to get the hell out in 30 days…and then ask the about-to-be-living-on-the-street-person what should be done to make the place look better? Who does this? How incredibly stupid can one person be?

What I wanted to say was, Why don't you take this entire building and shove it up your big ass!

But instead, I just stood there looking at her like she had grown 24 additional heads right before my very eyes. She must not be good at reading expressions, because instead of walking away like a normal dumb ass, she starts rambling off all the decorating projects she wants to do first. Then she looks at me for approval.

“Well, it sounds like you’ll have a great time figuring it out for yourself. See ya!” And I left her standing in the middle of the driveway staring up at the building like she could make the improvements happen if she just looked at it hard enough.

Dumb heifer!

Anyway…so now, I’m on the prowl for a suitable place to live. Like I didn’t have 50 million other things to worry about!

Oh…and Heifer-Lady also asked me to send her my rent for the month. Now, that’s laughable. Truly laughable. Why would I hand her the rent money, when I’ve only got 30 days to come up with moving money. Hell, at least she has my deposit. And, knowing that she couldn’t evict me faster than she’s putting my ass out anyway, I guess she can expect to get her rent around the same time she gets my home improvement advice…and that will come when hell freezes over and the devil passes out cups of hot cocoa to the shivering!

I’m gonna stop being evil now. One of my mentors always used to say, “if not this, then something better.” So, I guess I’m on my way to a truly phat-ass crib!


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