Friday, December 17, 2004

Slacker Mentality

What are you supposed to do when you’re just not feeling your job anymore, can’t afford to quit, and have no exciting employment prospects to speak of. I’ll tell you what you do…you worry!

I’m really worried right now because, for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to restore my motivation for walking in this place everyday. My motivation used to be my check. And even though I can’t live without that check, it doesn’t seem to be that big of a motivator anymore.

I know…I’m complaining and there are thousands of folks who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. So forgive my immaturity today. I just can’t help it. I’ve got the five o’clock fever and it’s only 2:30p.m. That means I’ve got two and a half more hours to fill before I can go out, get in my car, go home, fry up some Nawlins beef hot sausage and fries, and enjoy my rented Collateral DVD courtesy of Netflix.

All I want to do is become a published novel writer. I actually write for a living…only it’s not sexy stuff. It’s bullshit literature for the corporate world, and there’s nothing really creative about it. I mean really…who can be excited about trying to make a metal pipe sound like something worth reading about? And by the time I get home in the evening, the last thing I want to do is write. My job is the main reason why my posts are so sporadic.

I’ve been searching Monster.com and other career resources everyday for sixth months. I’ve had dozens of interviews for jobs I didn’t really want anymore than the one I have. I’m starting to feel like, now that I’ve turned 30, I’ve somehow gotten less responsible than I was in my 20s. A decade ago, you couldn’t keep me away from this job. Now a decade later, I come down with a mysterious case of the flu every chance I get.

Am I being a spoiled, immature diva? Or am I truly at a crossroads—desperately needing direction? Where do you find such direction?

I guess the answer is to go home and write anyway, whether I feel like it or not. But when I do, I never like what I see. So far, I’ve started at least eight novels. But based on what I’ve written, I’m not inspired to finish a single one.

Anyway, I’m not trying to cloud your Friday with a bunch of whining. Especially since, in this George Bush economy, I’m one of the lucky ones. But I just don’t feel all that lucky. My own admission feels like a sin against God and all the blessings He’s given me. But I just don’t know the answer, and find my work life to be an increasingly disappointing struggle.

Gone are the days of my wanting to fight to climb the corporate ladder. These days, that’s just not important. Gone are the days of wanting to be politically correct enough to not offend the jackasses I encounter for eight hours each day. I’m just not that patient anymore.

Am I a pathetic slacker? Or am I a woman on the brink of a major turning point in life? I guess the best I can do is pray for an answer…and just keep on bringing my ass to this awful j-o-b! At least I can eat, right?

26 Comments:

At 4:04 PM, Blogger JaG said...

You're looking at things the wrong way babe! You STARTED eight novels! I won't even try that! And you're not clouding anyone's Friday. You're writing on your blog, that's what blogs are for, you write on them and then you hit that post button and you feel better. At least a bit. Well, that's what happens when I blog.

Sorry about the job. You could start looking for a new one, just look, who knows?

And thanks for leaving all that sweetness on my blog!!!

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger JustMe said...

Thanks, JustAGirl:

I needed to read that today. And you're right! I have started eight novels. That's eight novels in progress! Sure beats no novels in progress. Thanks again!

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger Mister Underhill said...

I just dont honestly want to work any more. I have just gotten so burned out. I used to work so hard now I can barely bring myself to.

Well, it would be worse at most any other job in my case, so I am going to come in this weekend and try to make myself really bear down again.

I think part of it is just the phase I am in in this project is sort of mindnumbingly boring.

 
At 5:15 PM, Blogger o said...

"My own admission feels like a sin against God and all the blessings He’s given me."

No sis... you continually give God praise and of course, He'll bless you. For wanting something more... well, the Good Book does say that we shall ask, and we shall receive.

I understand how you feel though, sis. My sitch was a bit different... I was in school, working part time and wanted to curse every woman there (except for a few). One for talking smack behind my back. Another for sleeping with one of the managers and then coming up to me saying "I'm a Christian just like you!", another for just being a nosy white girl. There's nosy Black women but this was just a case of THAT Nosy White Girl...the one that even white folks can't stand. I stayed there because I had to pay a few things off...then I walked out of there (and spread some gasoline around. Somebody stopped me before I lit the match, though). But that's retail. I'm sure quitting corporate America is harder.

And you don't come off as ungrateful or whining... say what you want to say. Do what you gotta do, girl.

I'm in the situation where I NEED a job and people are saying "good for you, but we want people with experience." I HAVE experience! Lawd! I went for a period working for The Man and not getting PAID! You'd think they would hire a sista.

I'll pray for you. :)

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger Anonymous Poet said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger Jdid said...

motivation? whats that? why do you think I'm Jdid, lol

I feel you sister but at least as was pointed out you've started 8 novels. man i aint even start one yet lol.

Seriously though , its all part of life. You are at a crossroads. The thing is crossroads are not these things that instantaeously solve themselves. Sometimes it feels like you spend montsh even years there. I actually prefer to call it life in limbo. Been there, stayed there lol. Its frustrating and annoying but God willing and with a little of your input it should clear up...eventually. Thats what I fool myself with anyways :-)
dont give up girl, its all about the survival.

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Rod said...

Not to quote Micheal Jackson, but you are not alone. I notice the same thing after I turned 30. Maybe its because we know ourselves better now, and we know what we want. Maybe, we know what is important in life now, and being away from your family isn't one of them. But as I told my daughter last night, eat your green beans. Their good for you and they will help you on the toilet.
You gotta keep on fighting. A lot of people want you to give up or work less hard, so they can take your spot or point their finger. Remember, you aren't just working for yourself, and you aren't just representing yourself. Look a me, I'm the only black in a company of 300 people. Most haven't held a conversation with a black person more than 5 minutes. So it is my job to represent my whole race, my family, my kids, Christians, and geeks in a good light. Maybe I can enlighten them a little.
Sorry about getting on the soapbox, but my point is this. When the job is boring, think of the big picture and the big dollars. Think of how you can still wow them and let them know that black women don't act like video hoes or miss thangs and has a big brain and big dreams. Do your thang, people are counting on you and people are watching.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger The Marlo Girl said...

i know of what you speaki work for a print mag, and run my own on the side. not to toot my own horn, but my mag is so much better than the rag i work (and get paid) for. but with all the writing and office politics and general BS of working for/with a bunch of people i don't like, the last thing i, too, feel like doing--when i get home--is write.

it's not about slacking off, it's about coming to crossroads about choosing the path of least resistance. some battles are more important to fight than others. and the all-important event -- turning three-oh -- makes the choices we make that much more critical.

i don't have any sage advice or words of wisdom; sometimes it does help to know that others out there are experiencing the same... my contract ends in april and then i go with my magazine full-steam. if it doesn't pan out within a year, i move on. i think you at least have to give your passion a good, solid try before you resign yourself to moving on. keep at your writing. take a leave of absence. sit down and really try your hand at it. perhaps you need to go away? i've heard most writers say they found their inspiration while away. i don't know if this is even an option for you, but i urge you to hold on to yoru passion.

some people aren't so lucky to have passion--or even the talent to develop one. you are blessed, girl. your time will come.

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger Matt the Hat said...

I have discovered it's not the starting but the ending that is so darn hard.

Try next years WriMo and in the mean time, chin up and think about how much better you are than the job.

 
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