Friday, October 29, 2004

For Love or For Money?

My man and I are having problems. If I had to guess, I’d say the majority of our problems this week were escalated by the fact that I’m having perhaps my worst period in decades. I feel bitchy, and am content with feeling bitchy. But I’m causing problems I really don’t want to deal with.

I’d rather go home tonight and make love to my man. I want the days to return when he would wrap me in his arms and I’d feel the security of a newborn in her father’s arms. I want him to pat me on the ass while I cook chicken, forcing me to turn off the fire and take off my clothes.

But I want some shit to change, too. You see, my man is suffering from a disease psychologists would classify as Required Independence Deficiency Syndrome. Wait…that’s putting it way too mildly. My man is flat out broke! He is literally a 30-year-old man without a single asset to account for his days of adulthood. I can’t hardly talk, because I live paycheck to paycheck—and more often than not, the time between each check is never enough. But one thing I can do is take care of myself. But now, that is starting to change, because I have an additional mouth to feed in the form of a grown-ass man.

Yeah…I know what you’re thinking…this is totally my fault for getting involved. At least that’s what I’m thinking. But I really like him…a lot! Aside from his financial challenges, he manages to bring a great deal more to the table than Daddy Warbucks or any of the other suckas ever thought about. But I never expected to have to make a choice between a good man with a good heart and no money v. a man with money and not much else worth mentioning. But that seems to be the case here lately.

My wicked period gave me the courage to bring my concerns to my man’s attention. But he didn’t quite take the feedback the way that I expected. He translated my comments into oddly worded language I didn’t speak. Take, for instance, this comment from me:

“When you hand me less money than you were supposed to, I don’t silently berate you for being a broke-ass man. Instead, questions run through my mind like: what happens if I get pregnant? I guess I’ll have to hold it down for both of us because you won’t be able to provide.”

Here’s how my man translates those words:

“I want to have a baby with you now.”

How in the hell does one person translate someone else’s fear of something happening into the fact that this is what they really want to happen? I don’t want to get pregnant by him until he gets his shit together. But one thing I do know…as long as we’re fucking on a regular basis, there’s a chance that could happen regardless of how many condoms or pills we use.

The point I’m trying to make to him is…I’m 32 years old. Gone are my days of having a “boyfriend.” I’m just not interested. Now, that’s not suggesting that I want to marry everybody I date…or even think about it for that matter. But me and my man spend every single night together. In fact, he’s living at my place. I don’t have the energy to invest that kind of time in a relationship that can’t go anywhere.

So, I asked him to look for a better make finding a better job his first priority. He got pissed, saying that he’s been “busting his ass looking for one, and gets tired of everybody else telling him what he needs to do.”

I understand where he’s coming from, since I once was in his shoes not too long ago. But my impoverished status motivated me to spend every waking minute trying to get out of the situation. I just don’t see the same effort in him. And the effort is what he promised me, and it’s really all that I’m asking.

One day this week, I came home from work for lunch. I got there about 12 noon. When I walked in the house, he was just getting up. Now, how the hell can anybody say they are really looking for a job when they sleep until noon?

Where are the newspapers with the want-ads circled? When is he making calls to inquire about jobs? How come he doesn’t get on my laptop when I bring it home in the evening to check out the classifieds? That’s what I’d be doing if I were in his shoes.

The only priority he seems to have is getting into the music studio to finish an album and launch his rap music career. Now, I’m never going to be that person who advises someone else not to follow their dreams. Hell, I want to be a full-time writer. But my job is to go do public relations everyday. And I do it because I have to eat. I have to find additional time to devote to writing. But I cannot put my writing first because it doesn't pay the bills.

Why can’t he adopt the same principles? How does he expect me to feel when I get home at noon to find out he’s been sleeping since I left and he can’t put a single morsel of food in my refrigerator…yet goes inside it constantly to get his grub on?

The bottom line is, if everybody is advising him on what he should do, then he’s obviously giving off the impression that he needs help and isn’t doing all that he can. EVERYBODY else can’t be wrong…yet that’s how he sees it.

I’m sick of listening to his pity-pot routine. I don’t want him to leave. I just want him to get his shit together. And I’m not trying to sacrifice my shit for the sake of his. Is that wrong? Does that somehow suggest that I’m not in his corner? I don’t think so. I just don’t want to have to live on the corner with his ass if things keep going the way they have.

I’m in the process of buying the house I’m living in, and I need all my duckets to make that happen. I can’t have some grown-ass man draining my cash reserves. I already do a fantastic job of that all by myself.

So now it comes down to a choice between immediate loneliness or long-term brokenness…

Damn…I guess I better start looking for some kittens here soon to go along with my inevitable spinster status. Because I’m losing more and more faith in the prospect that my man and I can one day enjoy a prosperous life together. And it just makes me sad…

Talk about a catch-22, cause I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him! I just want a refurbished, more self-sufficient version. Is that too much to ask?


At 7:47 PM, Blogger saidy said...

i just finished reading "he's just not that into you" which was an excellent quick read. the first thing i thought of after reading your post was:

-->he's just not that into you if he is not willing to be an equal contributer in your relationship.

is that harsh? maybe. but i supported someone i loved for 4 years. i ended up resenting him more and more each day.

the great thing about periods is that they give you clarity, and the bravery needed to address issues that you would otherwise make excuses for. a grown man not handling his business has no excuse.

someone who loves you will try to do **anything** to make things right.

big hugs. keep writing more often. we missed you.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Jdid said...

whoa this one was deep.

On one hand as a guy I would be highly offended if you referred to me as 'broke ass', on the other hand I completely understand your concerns and to be honest I dont see this one working out for you.

Why? because I think your concerns about his effort to find a job and his income will in time outweigh your love or like of him and it will just make you bitter towards him. save the drama for both y'all and make an exit.

One point though I guess (sorry rambling's my specality) is that everyone approaches their dreams differently. You are taking the sensible have a 9 to 5 and then do my dream stuff on the side move whilst it seems he is just doing the starving artist hoping that he can blow up , put all my eggs in one basket move. To each his own I guess, I personally like the 9 to 5 backup plan myself but i can see alot of persons doing the other one.

Still coming home at lunch and seeing this dude still sleeping while he's enjoying the sweets of my labor would royally piss me off. relationships are about sharing so he should do his part, if not then maybe he's juss tryin to use you. you never kno

peace sis

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Rod said...

Money ... that's the number one reason people get divorced. My neighbors have been married for 16 years, and its getting hard for them to stay together because of money. She wants more, he only makes so much, and he's cool with it, she ain't. So before you marry anyone, make sure you have the same attitude towards money. I know you're not saying you want to get married, but it doesn't sound like you want to waste time. I was able to marry someone who has close to the same outlook on money I do, and we get along fine.
Oh yeah, I don't know how long you have been with homie but, you don't really know someone until you have leaved with them for over a year. All the little things you love about him now will change. The things you dislike will grow bigger. So make sure what you don't like you can live with

Men marry hoping that their woman won't change.
Women marry a man for potential.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger JustMe said...

Saidy, Rod and Jdid: Thank you all for the wonderful insights. The weekend was surprisingly pleasant considering the week we had together. I think we both understand a little more of the other's perspective. We'll see how this turns out.

At 9:10 PM, Blogger akaReason said...

My daughters boyfriend left and it broke her heart. He wouldn't work, got up at noon, and they fought because he wouldn't look for work. I talked to him afterwards ... "I couldn't take her attitude", he said.

I don't get it. What about his attitude? He is now 3000 miles away and living off his grandparents. Better a broken heart now than a life of pain.

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