Friday, September 10, 2004

The Surreal Life. It's An Experience

I watched the first episode of the third season of The Surreal Life last Sunday. I know I should be embarrassed for watching that janky shit, but it truly turned out to be comedy at its best (or worst, but in a funny way). When it comes to putting together the cast of a reality television show, few have been quite as disturbingly interesting as this pathetic mix of has-been’s.

First of all, the house they put the has-been’s in is just plain weird. There weren’t enough bedrooms to accommodate the three men and three women, and the rooms were occupied on a first come, first served basis. At least one of the rooms had no door, and another didn’t even have walls. It was just stuck in the middle of everything else. So already you knew the stage was set for conflict.

But forget the scenery…let’s get to the has-been’s.

You’ve got the infamous Flava Flav, who still sports the same ugly-ass gold teeth he did when Fight the Power was a hit. He also still drapes that big grandfather clock around his neck. The "yeah boyee" is still in full effect, and it seems like any second he might bust out with an old played-out family reunion-type rendition of 911 is a Joke.

Flava seems to have this “thing” for Wonder Ho…oops, I mean Brigitte Nielsen, whose drunk ass couldn’t hardly stay awake long enough to complete the one-hour segment.

And talk about a skeez! Wonder Ho…damn, I keep saying that…I mean Brigitte Nielsen…kept running around the house naked. Now, perhaps during her days of Red Sonja fame, many dudes might have found that ideal. But all the folks watching the show with me nearly lost their buffalo wings when her flat, flabby ass came jiggling across the screen like bowl of way-too-old Jell-O.

She told everybody she likes to be nude, and I can appreciate that. But what she fails to understand is that not everybody else wants such an intimate view of her maybe-I-used-to-be-sexy-back-in-the-day-but-those-days-are-long-gone body. It just ain’t cute. Not even a little bit.

This bitch was so trifling, she was cooking food for the people in the house, and all she was wearing was a thong and an apron. Now, I don’t know about the other folks in that house, but if it were me, Wonder Ho and I would have a serious problem. Nudity is all cool in the neighborhood when you know the folks around you or when you're by your damn self. But to be walking around a bunch of strange people in a thong when your ass is about 12 steps away from achieving success in a 12-step sexy program just ain’t right. Shit…what am I saying? To be walking around on national television in a thong when your ass is about 12 steps away from achieving success in a 12-step sexy program just ain’t right. Some people don’t need to be naked in public. And she’s one of them.

Wonder Ho (fuck it…the name has a ring to it obviously) and Flava Flav had a truly strange type of chemistry going on. They started off slapping each other around trying to see who had the bigger dick. But by the end of the episode, he was sincerely checking for her ass, acting all concerned when she couldn’t get up to eat because she was too drunk. Then he started talking all hopeful about the prospect of climbing her mountain ass.

“Brigitte could walk around me naked eeryday,” he gleefully announced in his famous Flava drawl.

And then I lost my buffalo wings!

Flava Flav must not have seen any groupie love in a long time…cause DAMN! Does anybody know his Mama so we can call her for some intervention? I’m concerned that if he does do Wonder Ho, he might turn to stone. Hell, who am I kidding? Flava ain’t no catch of the day or the day after that either. The two of them might actually make an interesting couple. But if the producers have any compassion, they will spare us the visuals.

Anyway, the show also features Jordan Knight, one of the New Kids on the Block. Remember them? Me either.

This Primadonna-Fool spent the entire episode putting music equipment boxes up in front of his curtain-of-a-door to keep the rest of the housemates from disturbing him. His anal-retentive nature was a perfect addition to the drama of the show, because his boxes ended up laying Wonder Ho flat on her long-back-instead-of-an-ass after she went traipsing around the house drunk. It was hilarious to see, actually. So, biggup to Jordan Knight!

Just so ya’ll know, I don’t truly have issues with Brigitte Nielsen. I barely remember her career, although I do remember harboring a few feelings of disgust for her when I watched Rocky IV and her on-screen husband beat Tha Brotha to death and left his wife a widow. But her behavior during this episode, the first of the season no doubt, was atrocious. She behaved like a low class heathen who can’t get over the fact that she’s getting older. So there! I said it. Now what?!

Anyway, one of the dudes from Full House was there. The one who played “Uncle Joey.” He was pretty uneventful, so I don’t really have much to say about him. But he did end up sharing a room with Flava Flav, so his character may get more entertaining down the road. So far, the majority of his screen time came when he had to leave his and Flava’s room because Flava was snoring too loud.

Let’s see…there was also some chick named Ryan who was a runner up on American Idol. She just seemed lost in the shuffle. Everybody else was way older than she. Plus, she truly had an I’m-more-righteous-than-you vibe about her. The previews of the next show suggest a future falling out between her and Flava Flav. So we’ll check “maybe” on this chick. I’m not sure yet whether or not I actually like her.

Wait a minute…I don’t like any of them…I’m talking about The Surreal Life.

Anyway, last but not least, was the coochie woman herself…Miss Charo. I never understood why she was popular before. All I know is that she was a regular on The Love Boat. I guess she and her agent must have been waiting a long time for an opportunity like The Surreal Life. This woman was the first one to get to the house!

So far, she just seems bossy, and I’m just waiting for her to clash with somebody. I don’t have a clue as to who it’s going to be.

The show airs on VH1. I can’t say that I’m gonna catch every episode. But if Sunday night at 10p (EST) catches me with nothing to do and no brain capacity to read a book, write a post or do something else constructive, I’ll probably check it out. I know I’ll at least laugh at the strange array of showbiz-career-rebound-hopefuls as they learn how to live with each other while trying to get as much publicity mileage out of this dumb series.

And just think…Wonder Ho might whoop somebody’s ass Red Sonja style! Maybe she’ll end up knocking out the Primadonna. Let’s keep our fingers crossed…


At 3:06 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

I have only seen one episode of this show, but it happened to be the one where Brigitte Nielsen was running around in the apron and I HAVE TO AGREE! She needs to put her clothes back on. I am in no shape to be running around nakes myself, but I know it, so I don't do it!

Please, Brigitte, put your clothes on!

At 5:20 PM, Blogger Matt the Hat said...

sounds like the US version of Big Brother sucks even worse than in the UK! At least in BB the nude housemates were under 30 and reasonably trim... but not that trim... and one used to be a man... yeah these shows suck.

At 5:30 PM, Blogger saidy said...

ive set a reminder message on my cable box. hehehe

At 9:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually "RYAN" wasn't even like a runner up. Poor thing. Never got to become a has been cause she's a never was! She is so incredibly irritating with her monotone speech. She has the personality of a wet noodle. No wonder she didn't become a finalist on American idol. Well, that and the fact she constantly sang offbeat.

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Worried Boyfriend said...

All I have to say is.. FLAVA FLAV! is crazy.

At 5:20 AM, Blogger Matt the Hat said...

Hallo hope all is well.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger Rod said...

Sorry to say, but I didn't read this blog post when you first wrote it two weeks ago. But guess what happened? Yes, I watched 4 episodes in a row on Saturday. This show is crazy. I must say, Flav adds the most flavor to the show. I actually now find him entertaining, and “kinda” smart. I'm not gonna comment on Brigitte because you said everything I wanted to. But since you posted this post, Flav climbed the drunk amazon wrinkled self loathing attention whore mountain, and I have lost all respect for him, if it wasn't for rap music he would be homeless. I truly cannot see how him and Chuck D. are friends. But next season they should bring him back with Rupaul, Mike Tyson, Courtney Love, Whitney Houston, and Dr. Ruth.

At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Kami said...

The comments and observations of tjis blog are so hilarious! And considering that Flava and Brigitte now have their own show, it's even more hilarious today 04/06/05.

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