Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Suddenly Homeless

I found a lovely apartment a little over a year ago in a cute two-family on a quiet street. It met all of my criteria…plenty of space, hardwood floors, a screened-in porch, and a garage. I wasn’t planning on moving out of it until I left this Godforsaken town for good.

When my lease expired, my landlord asked me if I wanted to stay. Of course, I said yes, since I didn’t have my escape-from-Cincinnati plan mapped out yet. He seemed happy, and said he would get the new lease together as soon as possible.

Life progressed, and I didn’t even think about the significant time lapse that occurred since our resign-the-lease conversation. Then one Saturday about a month ago, my landlord dropped a big surprise in my lap.

“I just wanted to let you know that some people will be coming by to see the building on Monday, and I’ll need to give them access to your apartment.”

“Oh really,” I said. “Do we have some maintenance issues or something?”

“No, I’m having an appraiser come through.”

“So, you’re selling the place, then?”

“Yes, I’m going to have to sell.”

Damn! I knew this could get bad pretty quickly. With me in the month-to-month situation I had been in since the lease expired, I could have some big problems depending on who bought the place.

“Well, I’d really like to go forward with signing the lease again. If someone buys the place and wants to live in it, I could end up on the streets.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll get the lease ready.”

Or so he said. About a week later, he calls me back.

“Hey, I talked to my agent about your lease, and I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to renew it.”

“Why is that?” I asked, more than irritated at this point.

“Well, when I put the building on the market, I advertised it with one unit being on a month-to-month lease. So, I won’t be able to change that for you. I’m sorry.”

I would have described him a little more harshly than “sorry” at that point. But I had no choice but to wait and see what happened. After all, he may sell the place to someone who wants the household situation to remain the same. Optimism was my best option.

That was, until last week. I came home from work to find this note on my door…

I purchased the property located at... (ya’ll don’t need to know that part).

First let me start off by telling you that you have a beautiful apartment and have kept it in wonderful condition. But I purchased the property to live in, and need to have one of the units available by October 1.

Since your apartment is on a month-to-month lease and the downstairs apartment is still under a year lease, it may be necessary for you to vacate your apartment. As such, you should consider this your 30-day notice to vacate.

Please give me a call to discuss…


Your Newest Pain In The Ass

Does that not suck so entirely that you cannot even fathom how much it sucks?! Damn! I actually have less than 30 days at this point!

And to top it all off, three days after the new landlord left that note, she came by the building to do some measuring or whatever the hell she was up to. I passed her on my way out for the day, and she decided to make small talk.

“It’s a beautiful day out, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” I said with body language that suggested I was in a hurry.

“What do you think the place needs to make it more beautiful?”

Now, at this point, I realized the bitch had to be super crazy. Who in their right mind would leave a note on somebody’s door saying that their place was lovely and had been kept in such great condition, but they needed to get the hell out in 30 days…and then ask the about-to-be-living-on-the-street-person what should be done to make the place look better? Who does this? How incredibly stupid can one person be?

What I wanted to say was, Why don't you take this entire building and shove it up your big ass!

But instead, I just stood there looking at her like she had grown 24 additional heads right before my very eyes. She must not be good at reading expressions, because instead of walking away like a normal dumb ass, she starts rambling off all the decorating projects she wants to do first. Then she looks at me for approval.

“Well, it sounds like you’ll have a great time figuring it out for yourself. See ya!” And I left her standing in the middle of the driveway staring up at the building like she could make the improvements happen if she just looked at it hard enough.

Dumb heifer!

Anyway…so now, I’m on the prowl for a suitable place to live. Like I didn’t have 50 million other things to worry about!

Oh…and Heifer-Lady also asked me to send her my rent for the month. Now, that’s laughable. Truly laughable. Why would I hand her the rent money, when I’ve only got 30 days to come up with moving money. Hell, at least she has my deposit. And, knowing that she couldn’t evict me faster than she’s putting my ass out anyway, I guess she can expect to get her rent around the same time she gets my home improvement advice…and that will come when hell freezes over and the devil passes out cups of hot cocoa to the shivering!

I’m gonna stop being evil now. One of my mentors always used to say, “if not this, then something better.” So, I guess I’m on my way to a truly phat-ass crib!


At 3:11 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

I really enjoy your writing. It is easy to read and follow like a GOOD story. You don'tuse unnecessary "flowery" wording that tends to bore me!

I plan to continue to read!


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